LEARNING WHEN TO STOP LEARNING: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR CHILD WANTS TO QUIT PIANO LESSONS
By: Kelley Wong
I was tricked into learning piano. I remember it vividly: One night, when I was five, while putting me to bed my Dad asked if I wanted to learn a musical instrument. I replied saying “Yes, I want to learn the saxophone!”, to which he replied “How about the piano? Maybe we start with the piano and then learn saxophone later.” I said “Sure”, not knowing that was the end to the possibility of learning any instrument other than the piano. I spent the next nine years hating – although I excelled – everything about piano lessons, yet I was never allowed to quit. Never, ever.
It wasn’t until I turned fifteen when I suddenly found love and joy at the piano, a pleasure that would take me to performing concerts and passing on my love through teaching. I sometimes wonder about that pivotal moment, when my hatred for piano turned into hunger, questioning what changed. It wasn’t anything physical (i.e. my fingers didn’t magically grow longer allowing me to reach more notes), and there wasn’t any event to mark said transition. Rather, I truly believe it was a maturity that I grew into, one that helped me understand the music I played; It finally allowed me to hear and feel the sound I produced.
Now, as a piano teacher, parents occasionally ask me what to do when their child expresses a disinterest in lessons and wants to quit. My response, an always honest one, is for them to judge what might be best for their relationship with their child, and what they themselves are willing to put up with. Provided that there is enough time engaged in lessons, the possibility of a life-long love and appreciation for music may become greater as a child matures and grows into the craft, sees the rewards, and understands the music. I have seen this change in many of my students when they become teenagers and engage with music in a way younger children often do not. Aside from time, however, multiple factors can influence continuity. An important one is the disposition of the student.
Children with a more passive disposition tend to sometimes fare better with sticking to lessons. Even though they may not necessarily enjoy taking lessons, they may sometimes tolerate an imposed routine (i.e. weekly lessons, regular practice schedule, etc.) and demonstrate less of a fight to quit. The result is a potentially longer engagement with piano lessons (with less complaining) which gives the student a greater possibility to grow into the instrument and their capabilities, enough to appreciate and enjoy the music they play.
Children with a more outgoing and vocal disposition tend sometimes to be the opposite. Because of their natural personality type, they may find it difficult to keep up the regularity of doing something they dislike, especially when that regularity occurs over the period of years. This becomes the tricky part for parents because these are the situations when I hear about students arguing to quit, putting up a fuss, or even temper tantrums. And that makes sense because, naturally, none of us want to do things we don’t find pleasure in.
Of course, each child is different and parents will know their own children best. I don’t want to grossly overgeneralize and categorize students into one group or the other, but the correlation between student disposition and continuity is a rough trend I’ve noticed over the years. Having said that, there are ways to potentially help encourage students to positively engage in lessons, regardless of a child’s disposition:
Bottom Line
In the end – after all the fuss, fights, and complaints – a parent must ultimately make his or her own choice on whether to allow their child to quit lessons. Although this may be a tough decision, a parent should consider whether continuity is worth any potential negative impacts it might have on the parent-child relationship. If one is willing to persist, there could be a chance for longer-term engagement and enjoyment of the piano. But, as with everything, there is no guarantee that this will happen. This, in the end, comes down to parents learning when the right time is to stop learning.
By: Kelley Wong
I was tricked into learning piano. I remember it vividly: One night, when I was five, while putting me to bed my Dad asked if I wanted to learn a musical instrument. I replied saying “Yes, I want to learn the saxophone!”, to which he replied “How about the piano? Maybe we start with the piano and then learn saxophone later.” I said “Sure”, not knowing that was the end to the possibility of learning any instrument other than the piano. I spent the next nine years hating – although I excelled – everything about piano lessons, yet I was never allowed to quit. Never, ever.
It wasn’t until I turned fifteen when I suddenly found love and joy at the piano, a pleasure that would take me to performing concerts and passing on my love through teaching. I sometimes wonder about that pivotal moment, when my hatred for piano turned into hunger, questioning what changed. It wasn’t anything physical (i.e. my fingers didn’t magically grow longer allowing me to reach more notes), and there wasn’t any event to mark said transition. Rather, I truly believe it was a maturity that I grew into, one that helped me understand the music I played; It finally allowed me to hear and feel the sound I produced.
Now, as a piano teacher, parents occasionally ask me what to do when their child expresses a disinterest in lessons and wants to quit. My response, an always honest one, is for them to judge what might be best for their relationship with their child, and what they themselves are willing to put up with. Provided that there is enough time engaged in lessons, the possibility of a life-long love and appreciation for music may become greater as a child matures and grows into the craft, sees the rewards, and understands the music. I have seen this change in many of my students when they become teenagers and engage with music in a way younger children often do not. Aside from time, however, multiple factors can influence continuity. An important one is the disposition of the student.
Children with a more passive disposition tend to sometimes fare better with sticking to lessons. Even though they may not necessarily enjoy taking lessons, they may sometimes tolerate an imposed routine (i.e. weekly lessons, regular practice schedule, etc.) and demonstrate less of a fight to quit. The result is a potentially longer engagement with piano lessons (with less complaining) which gives the student a greater possibility to grow into the instrument and their capabilities, enough to appreciate and enjoy the music they play.
Children with a more outgoing and vocal disposition tend sometimes to be the opposite. Because of their natural personality type, they may find it difficult to keep up the regularity of doing something they dislike, especially when that regularity occurs over the period of years. This becomes the tricky part for parents because these are the situations when I hear about students arguing to quit, putting up a fuss, or even temper tantrums. And that makes sense because, naturally, none of us want to do things we don’t find pleasure in.
Of course, each child is different and parents will know their own children best. I don’t want to grossly overgeneralize and categorize students into one group or the other, but the correlation between student disposition and continuity is a rough trend I’ve noticed over the years. Having said that, there are ways to potentially help encourage students to positively engage in lessons, regardless of a child’s disposition:
- Focus on open and ongoing communication: Regularly talk about lessons, discuss the pros and cons of learning music, and most importantly be sensitive to listening, hearing, and addressing your child’s concerns. Engage them in finding a solution together with you
- Work with your teacher: Talk to your piano teacher and discuss how you can work together to help make lessons more interesting for the student. Strategize and have a plan, test it out, and revisit the plan to see what works and what doesn’t, then re-strategize if needed
- The right fit: Assess whether your piano teacher is the best fit for your child. An absolutely wonderful and exceptionally qualified might not always be the right teacher for your child. After all, each student and teacher is different and will have different learning needs and teaching styles. Although teachers do their best to help encourage students learn, sometimes a change of teacher might be the trick. This can ultimately make a different in your child’s desire to continue learning music
Bottom Line
In the end – after all the fuss, fights, and complaints – a parent must ultimately make his or her own choice on whether to allow their child to quit lessons. Although this may be a tough decision, a parent should consider whether continuity is worth any potential negative impacts it might have on the parent-child relationship. If one is willing to persist, there could be a chance for longer-term engagement and enjoyment of the piano. But, as with everything, there is no guarantee that this will happen. This, in the end, comes down to parents learning when the right time is to stop learning.